Why being a strong and independent woman doesn't always lead to happiness

Over the past few months I’ve felt like something is moving and changing within me as a woman. Earlier this year I discovered Tantra and really resonated with it’s teachings. I’ve since been working with a Tantrica and reading up on Kundalini Tantra and I feel like I’m seeing life in a different light. I’ve begun a new process of sinking deeper into who I am and where I want to be in this lifetime…this process is fucking scary and exciting all at once.

What I’ve discovered about me over the past few months is that I’ve been really great at being the ‘strong’ woman. From a very young age I remember being proud of the fact that I was ‘independent’. This got me through my parent’s divorce, allowed me to travel the world alone at age 17, carried me through the break down of my relationship with my daughter’s father, and then allowed me to 'cope' with the ongoing homophobia I experienced when I came out as bisexual and entered into a relationship with a woman.

Being a ‘strong’ woman served me to a certain extent, but it didn’t allow me to tap into and release the deep pain and wounds that I experienced at these challenging times in my life. I pushed shit down, I said I was okay, I continued life with a smile on my face…but deep, deep down I was fucking hurt and scared. What I’ve learnt is that pushing shit down is dangerous because all of our emotion gets stuck in our nervous system and we end up feeling sick, tired, irritated, distracted, not present and fed up.

Yesterday was my 34th birthday and it's only now I am learning to feel deeper into what is actually going on for me. I find this process super fucking challenging. I’ve realised that instead of sitting with my emotion I find it easier to distract myself with social media, cleaning the house, watching television, ‘working hard’, answering emails, writing blog posts, texting friends etc. But distracting myself isn’t serving me one bit…it’s simply an excuse not to listen to my body and my truth and not to allow myself to really feel into what I want and what I need.

Tantra teaches that before going deep with another, it’s essential that we go deep, and develop a strong connection with our selves. This gives us the opportunity to overflow from a full cup, rather than relying on others to fill our half-empty cup. I’ve realised that throughout my life I’ve been relying on my lovers, my family and my friends to fill my cup up, instead of filling it myself and feeling whole within my own body, mind and soul. This way of living and relating just isn't doing me any favours, in fact it's fucking me over big time and leaving me feeling pissed off and alone.

Yesterday was my 34th birthday so I sat... and reflected... and made a new commitment to myself for my 35th year. I commit that I will give myself the unconditional love that I need, and honour whatever comes up for me in the process (the good, the bad and the ugly). I commit to embracing my shadows, sitting in my emotional body and being brutally honest with myself. I commit to loving myself first and foremost and filling my cup up so fucking full that it overflows each and every day. I commit to embracing the unknown path ahead of me and I commit to facing my shit so that I can be an even more powerful and amazing woman, mother and lover.